tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 19, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> stephen: happy holidays! season's greetings! winter howdy! i'm stephen colbert, here in my real living room, which is real. that's why i'm in it. well, it's that magical time of year again, when cbs repackages our show's best moments to air while i'm on vacation. so while you're watching this, i am at home on the couch watching "a charlie brown christmas," wearing nothing but a box of wine balanced on my crotch. that image is my christmas gift to you. here are some of our favorite segments from the last couple of months. as a bonus, there's a common thread tying all of tonight's guests together. see if you can spot what it is. it's not that they're mammals, that's too easy. enjoy. >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert!
tonight, tom hanks; midnight confessions; and ok, go. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's the "best in 'late show' retrospectacular end-of- year wrap-up-abration!" captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert... i think. ( laughter ) i'm not-- i'm not sure what to believe about anything anymore. how, how-- let me ask you-- how's everybody doing right now? how you feeling? ( cheers and applause ) all right, all right. i'm glad. you know what? i'm glad, i'm glad. that's better than i thought. ( laughter ) because, you know, i-- i am so glad to be with you tonight. i wouldn't want to be alone right now, you know? and if you'll be there, i'm not going anywhere. all right? ( cheers and applause ) what's it, four years? four years?
years in front of us. ( laughter ) but i don't know about you all, i did not get a lot of sleep last night. did you sleep at all, jon? >> jon: about three and a half hours or so. >> stephen: three and a half hours? and those are jazz hours. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. playing the whole time. >> stephen: those are not normal hours. no, exactly, the whole time, it's arpeggios. ( laughter ) now, walking around the streets of new york today, a lot of people, a little rough. you know, you could see it in their eyes. there's no way around it-- this... this is what it feels like when america's made great again. ( laughter and applause ) i was wondering. and i was really hoping it would feel better because this sucks! sucks. ( cheers and applause ) and i don't know if you guys had any trouble getting in here tonight because, right now, tonight, tan
taken to the streets in protests in cities all over america. ( cheers and applause ) as a matter of fact, in this neighborhood actually, times square and columbus circle, one group went right by the theater. jim, do we have-- yeah, there it is. we shot it outside, right outside of our office window. there's the-- there's the colbert sign right there. and so, i'm just saying, the unity thing might take a scooch longer than trump was hoping for. i just want to say, freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, first amendment, the most important things we can do together. ( cheers and applause ) and don't stop speaking up. don't stop speaking your mind. don't ever be cowed by what happens in the next four years. but do keep in mind that for eight years, a lot of people wouldn't accept barack obama was president of the united states. for instance, donald trump. ( laughter ) but, like it or not-- for the
donald trump will be the 45th president of the united states. and, i-- ( audience booing ) no, no. listen, i get that feeling completely. i just had to say it one more time. i find, i want to just keep saying it until i can say it without throwing up in my mouth a little bit. ( laughter ) or, like, feeling-- ( cheers and applause ) there's actually-- there's actually-- i don't know if you feel this-- it feels like, it's like a little bit of a dream state. all day long i've had to remind myself, "oh, yeah, this isn't a dream. i am not on, like, ayahuasca tea or a bad peyote trip on the hunt of the great deer, you know. this is-- this is real." and whatever the g.o.p. is saying publicly today, i have a feeling they might be feeling the same way because, remember, the republican party spent almost the entirety of this election in panic, trying to stop donald trump from being their nominee. sud when they could not,
they won the presidency, both houses of congress, and soon, a new seat on the supreme court. it's like the g.o.p. got caught in a plunging elevator, and they all fell screaming ten stories down and then landed gently, to have the doors open on a candy store where everything is free. ( laughter ) and-- ( applause ) what, what? for me, for me? what? oh, look, i can-- i can gobble up all your rights. oh, please, please, please, no, not-- please, no more reproductive rights. i'm full, thanks so much. ( laughter ) now, in this metaphor, donald trump is willy wonka, who has been genetically cross-bred with a carnivorous oompa-loompa. ( laughter ) now, one of the things-- i had this a little bit, though i didn't spend much time at home-- but, a lot of people are struggling this morning, you
know, besides with doing laundry of just their pants for some reason-- was how to explain trump's victory to their kids, you know? how do we tell them? well, i think this is one rare instance where we should look to the president-elect's example last night. >> hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. i mean that very sincerely. >> stephen: so just follow his lead, and lie. just tell your kids in a reassuring voice that trump is going to be good, maybe, you know? maybe he'll be different from how he was and always is. ( laughter ) or-- can we tell this story? you okay with it? okay, so do what my show runner chris did. this is my show runner, chris licht, everybody. ( ch a
chris, you told this story this morning. do you mind telling the story? >> sure. >> stephen: okay, so this morning you came in and you said that one of your sons woke you up this morning. and what he did he say? >> he said, "my older brother said that donald trump won last night." >> stephen: uh-huh, and you said? >> and i said, "that's actually what happened." and he burst into tears. ( audience reacts ) he-- he-- change is difficult. >> stephen: and this-- this is the magic part. >> i said, "don't worry, son. being president is not that big of a job." >> stephen: okay, father of the year, right there. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if i could do better than that. just tell them anything. tell them the new president is elsa from "frozen." ( laughter ) it's the only way to get them to ♪ let it go. i don't know what you should tell them. tell them what you always tell kids, work hard, be kind, care about other people, don't be se
they don't want to be grabbed, and they'll make the world a better place than donald trump can. you know? because i don't think-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't think kids really should have to care about who the president is. they should care about coloring books and legos, and whether eating pop rocks and coke will make your stomach explode. ( whispering ) it totally will, by the way. and if your child asks the ultimate question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" you finally have the answer-- the electoral college. ( cheers and applause ) and-- and if all else fails, i saw some footage last night of this kid, who was captured on camera at a congressional victory party. here he is, grandma is dancing in the backgrounil
that glass of wine, and welcome to the trump administration! yes, yes! there's a message of hope. clinton lost last night, but, by god, somewhere in america, a little boy learned how to pound merlot like kathie lee gifford. ( cheers and applause ) do we have any? we don't have any. i had a couple of cocktails last night, and i've got to tell you, really helped, you know. hey, you know who's taking this strangely well? hillary clinton. even though the possible first female president lost to a crotch-grabbing beauty pageant owner, listen to what she said this morning: >> donald trump is going to be our president. we owe him an open mind and the chance to lead. >> stephen: how are you already accepting this? did you pay extra for the fast pass through the five stages of grief? ( laughter ) you know acceptance is last, right? accece
( cheers and applause ) you got the card. i think she's got the card upside-down. they're shuffled up. you've got to go through every stage. the first three are easy to remember: denial, anger and bargaining, because that was trump's campaign strategy. then you've got depression, then acceptance. then dramatic haircut and rebound boyfriend. but i can't blame her. everybody processes grief differently. i heard elizabeth warren got a neck tattoo. personally-- ( laughter ) go get 'em. go get 'em, liz. personally, i've made it all the way to depression, or as a great president once tweeted: "sad." ( laughter ) that hurt. that hurt to say. my heart-- my heart actually hurt to say that. now, a lot of folks are very
idea of moving to canada, you know. ( cheers and applause ) i know, i know, canada! canada, the language of france with the culture of minnesota. beautiful country, beautiful country, you're welcome. but don't reach for your passport yet, because last night, as the election returns were coming in, the canadian immigration website crashed. ( laughter ) don't know why! a lot of websites went down last night. apocalypsebunkers.net, stresseatersanonymous.org, and klanklothing.biz. yes, we klan! ( audience reacts ) now-- they're doing a brisk business. now i can understand why canada is so attractive. you've got the free healthcare and a prime minister who looks like the prince from "tangled." ( cheers and applause ) but listen up. everybody out there, every american who is thinking, "oh, i'm going to go to canada": you don't get to flee to another country when things get rough here. ( cheers and applause)
like family: you're in it whether you like it or not. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, for pete's sake, at thanksgiving, when uncle ernie hits the highballs and starts saying racist things about the help, you don't storm off from the table and move next door. you stay and elect him commander in chief! ( cheers and applause ) that's america! ( laughter ) you know when i'm feeling shaky sometimes-- i've been doing this all day. i did it last night as we saw the returns coming in, and i'm doing it a lot today. this is what i like to do: when i'm feeling a little shaky-- and i think you folks might be a little shaky-- i like to-- i like to put these on. ( laughter ) and before, seconds ago i was sad. now, i'm a sexy kitty. ( cheers and applause ) okay?
truth-- trump may be president, but i'm still a sexy kitty. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ don't-- don't-- don't go far with those, mark. i might need them later. ( laughter ) now, one of the most shocking things about trump's election is that it is shocking. ( laughter ) every pollster just shanked this one right into the woods. i mean, we might as well ask a magic goat who's going to win. oh, wait, that won't help, either, because they tried that in scotland, and it picked hillary clinton. ( laughter ) thanks for nothing, magic goat! that's why you guys are the donkeys of sheep. ( laughter ) but-- ( laughter and applause ) but there are some polling
the so-called scientific polls this year, like this fish in india who chose to eat food off a picture of trump over a picture of clinton. it makes sense, because evidently, like a goldfish, trump voters' memories don't go back more than seven seconds. ( cheers and applause ) but-- not as sexy. it's not as sexy without the-- meow! but most accurate of all, of all the ways to prognosticate about who will be president of the united states, is what's called the "halloween mask" rule. do you guys know this one? this one says that "the sale of presidential candidate's halloween masks has directly corresponded to the electoral outcome ever since ronald reagan's rubber likeness outsold jimmy carter's in 1980." well, guess what? this year's trump mask outsold clinton's. and i believe halloween masks can predict trump's cabinet, too. so get ready for attorney general "guy from 'scream.'" i've got to say-- i've got to
say-- guiliani's looking good there. ( cheers and applause ) you know-- he's happy. that's the happiest-- that's the happiest i've ever seen him. and, you know, i'm a man of some faith, but when bad things like this happen-- and this does feel bad-- i've got to to ask, how could god let this happen? and i don't exactly-- >> let what happen, stephen? ( angelic choir ) >> stephen: god? >> yeah, that's my name, don't wear it out. what are you guys talking about? >> stephen: god, we're trying to figure out what happened with the election last night. >> oh, yeah, the election. you must be real excited about the first woman president. you're welcome, america. >> stephen: god, god, wait, what are you talking about? weren't you watching the election? >> no, i was binge-watching "narcos" on netflix. how much did hillary win by? >> stephen: lord, i'm sorry, but clinton lost. >> what the hell?
she had it in the bag! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i know! i know! the fish was right! all the pollsters were wrong! >> hold on. let me google it. says here, hillary got more votes than trump. >> stephen: yeah, well, that's the popular vote. she lost the electoral college. >> oh, that again? i'm omniscient, and even i don't know how the hell that works. >> stephen: nobody does. but, anyway, lord, trump won. >> i guess i shouldn't be surprised that white men came out on top again, considering how everyone assumes i look. >> stephen: that's good, that's a good point. yeah, well-- >> look, stephen, i feel terrible about this whole thing. let me make it up to you. how about a new animal that's really cuddly and also tastes good, huh? >> stephen: no, thanks, that's very kind, but i think we're all good. can you just, please, can you tell us what we should do? >> stephen, if you're really unhappy, i could just hit the reset button on humanity. you know, maybe send a flood or a plague of locusts. oh, i've been working on a new one, where your heads melt like that
lost ark." >> stephen: no, that's-- thank you, no. >> you drip like a candle. >> stephen: what, what? >> you drip like a candle. it's really cool. >> stephen: thank you, you're very kind. no, at this point, at this point we just have to accept that you chose donald trump to be our president. >> hey! don't pin this on me! my wife will kill me! >> stephen: god, everybody! god! >> thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight. don't go anywhere. .
my swthis scarf all thatsara. left to remem... what! she washed this like a month ago the long lasting scent of gain flings this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us! switch your family of four to t-mobile, get unlimited everything, and we'll give you $800. that's right! $800 to spend anywhere you want.
us pl, all season long, get awesome deals on smartphones, tabl aets,nd accessories. hurry in to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. theraflu. for a powerful comeback. new expressmax caplets. she needs our help! ♪ (tea kettle whistling) (sighing) hey mom, can i help? yeah, i'd love your help. (grunting) awww... (announcer vo) the real magic of the holidays
that old gypsy woman said it would be somewhere. what about-- ( cheers and applause ) zoltar! zoltar! i've finally found you again! well, come on... zoltar? zoltar! yes! yes! oh, jeez! >> stephen: yes! the all-knowing zoltar remembers you well! i want to say-- tim something? ( laughter ) >> tom. tom, tom hanks. >> stephen: yes. we worked on that movie together, "the santa clause." >> no, it was "big!" >> stephen: right. ( cheers a
right. wait, who's in "the santa claus?" >> well, that is tim allen. >> stephen: you're not him? >> no! >> stephen: okay. okay, no need to yell at zoltar. what can the all-knowing one do for you? >> well, zoltar, last time we met, i was a 13-year-old boy who wanted to be older. so you granted my wish, and i woke up the next morning as a 30-year-old man. and i need you to do that again, please. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your wish is to be 17 years older? >> no! no, no, no! no. i want you to turn me 30 years old again! >> stephen: but don't you remember the heart-warming lesson you learned last time? >> yeah. i learned that being older isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
learning, every day at my age! ( cheers and applause ) just yesterday i tried to jump on one of those big floor pianos, and do a dance-- i swear i heard my hip snap. so, come on, make me 30 again! make me 30. >> stephen: okay, what's in it for zoltar? >> oh, yeah, right... hang on a second, i think i have some change. there you go, 25 cents. ( laughter ) >> stephen: seriously, a quarter? zoltar requires your eternal soul. >> i can't do that. >> stephen: why not? >> i sold it to raise money for "that thing you do." ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, really. under-rated film. >> oh, thank you, thank you. you know, it was charlize theron's second job. i cast her. you know, i saw something-- >> stephen: oh, yes, absolutely. tim allen is great in that.
>> stephen: i thought you were the guy from "toy story." >> i am. tim's in "toy story," too. >> stephen: "toy story 2?" i thought you both were in all three of them. >> we are. >> stephen: you see why zoltar's confused? >> who's on first! >> stephen: look-- >> who's on rst? >> stephen: look-- >> okay, never mind. >> stephen: look, look-- >> classic comedy bit, i'm just saying. >> stephen: who's the eternal one here? >> all right, sorry. >> stephen: look, if your soul is off the table, there is one other thing that would please zoltar. >> well, sure, anything. >> stephen: will you read my screenplay? >> oh. you have a screenplay. what's it about? >> stephen: it's about a carnival fortune telling machine, kind of an everyman. after he gets dumped by his fiancee, he goes on a road trip to find her but ends up finding... himself. >> well, i kind of feel like i've seen that one before, and sorry, but i'm not interested in playing a fortune telling machine. >> stephen: you fool!
you're way too old to play me. i was hoping you could get this to colin hanks. >> really? there you go? >> i can't find the slot. sorry. >> all right, there you go. boing. all right, fine. fine, i'll take it. fine, okay. ( cheers and applause ) just-- can you please just make me 30 again? >> stephen: your wish is granted. you shall wake up tomorrow and be 30. >> awesome! all right, now that means tonight is my last chance to see "inferno" with a senior discount! bye, zoltar! >> stephen: bye, tim! we'll be right back with tom hanks! ooh, he's good! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
it's like some 3d virtual world. can i see? oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. look at the moon. whoot. my new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember that newly listed ranch and wait will be gone.ed for a mortgage, or, you could push that button. sfx: rocket launching. skip the bank. get approved in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. (whisper) rocket when are they leaving? grilled cheese and campbell's tomato soup go together like grandchildren and chaos.
well folks, my first guest tonight is an oscar winner, but more importantly he's tom hanks. please welcome tom hanks! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> can i borrow your pen? >> stephen: there you go. working on a new project over there? >> yeah, just working on this a little bit. this ain't gonna work, that ain't gonna work. just got to change this. and, if you don't mind, i know this might affect the budget-- a great way to start any film is with exterior hawaii beach. you know, that's not a bad start. funny jokes, call backs. by the way, jon batiste and the vamp kings! they--
>> you had to play for about 20 minutes there. ( cheers and applause ) you had the drum solo, and-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, tom hanks, you are the man from whom we all learned, there is no crying in baseball. >> ah, okay, yeah, that's true. there's gonna be. there's gonna be. >> stephen: so, world series. world series. there's some cheering right now, in both towns. >> okay, now listen, you can all stick your pins in me right now, and i know the entire world and three-legged dogs and orphan children are all rooting for the chicago cubs, i realize that. ( cheers ) but you do not do three long, hot summers doing shakespeare in cleveland, blowing time, watching-- watching the cleveland indians play at a park that i swear was called, at the time, cleveland municipal lakefront stadium. it wasn't like petco park or the dunkin' donuts field, or something. cleveland municipal lakefront stadium. holds 90,000 people. i would be there on a given night with 4,800--
( laughter ) --watching "sudden" sid mungy; andre "thunder" thornton; #21, mike "the human rain delay" hargrove. so i'm going to tell you right now: yeah, cubs, great. i'm rooting for the cleveland indians to win the world series. ( cheers ) i'm sorry. i'm sorry. >> stephen: fair enough. >> now, listen-- now, listen, north-side boy; little-- you little denizen of wrigleyville, i get your-- >> stephen: i actually lived on addison. i actually lived two blocks away for a while. >> oh, right there! sheffield, waveland, addison. right there-- >> stephen: spent my 30th birthday there. >> oh, shut up. who cares? ( laughter ) look, i want-- i want-- i want the tribe to win, but here's what i will accept. i will accept the seventh game-- in cleveland, by the way-- deciding game, bottom of the ninth, cleveland is up. larry doby, the ghost of larry doby is on deck. the ghost of rocky colavito
in the batter's box. who do you want to pitch for your cubs? give me a name. who's your great relief pitcher? >> stephen: i don't know, who is the greatest relief pitcher for the cubs? >> oh, man, aren't you a fan. >> stephen: what, what? >> audience: aroldis chapman. >> stephen: chapman. >> all right, chapman is the-- okay, fine. yeah, like he knew. ( laughter ) >> stephen: come on, first base is mark grace, third base is ronno, outfield is shawon dunston. >> all right, all right, fine, fine, fine! this is what i want: low-hanging curve-- and the score is tied, by the way, all right. >> stephen: what-what? 20-20? >> yeah, okay, let's-- exactly. it's 20-20 going, it's been a great game, by the way. it has lasted six and a half hours. in to rocky colavito, long, long fly to left center. hanging up there, is the wind blowing out? it might be. is it going to out? who's circling under the wall and might catch it? >> stephen: the ghost of shawon dunston, but he's not dead. he's not dead. >> all right, fine. some legendary cub is out there, thinking, is it going to go
is it going to go in? who's going to win the game? armageddon. four horsemen of the apocalypse. earthquakes, lightning, toads raining down, god brings the world to an end, because he can't quite root for whichever team. i will accept that ending to the world series, short of a cleveland indians victory. >> stephen: nothing short of that? >> and by the way, stick your pins in me now, send me the hate mail, go on twitter, i know. i'm rooting against the cubs. >> stephen: and you actually probably get mail, as opposed to email. >> i do! i do, yes. ( laughter ) i'll get mail. >> stephen: i don't mean that as an insult! >> that's-- that's-- >> stephen: i don't mean that as an insult! >> i'll get mail. >> stephen: and you also-- do you know, it's the greatest-- some say that's the greatest tom hanks movie of all time, "you've got mail." ( cheers and applause ) >> nora ephron, the fabulous meg ryan. >> stephen: i was sick one day, and i watched it three times in a row-- >> you cried like a baby. >> stephen: i cried like a baby the entire time. i think i was hallucinating. >> it's all right, shop girl. i love you, shop girl.
take a typewriter-- ? >> i have been known to take a typewriter to the baseball game. >> stephen: why do you-- why do you take a typewriter? >> it's kind of like scoring the game. you have a little narrative that goes on. >> stephen: do you have a stogie and a hat that says "press" on a little card? ( laughter ) >> i sit up on a little thing. little stool. the best thing to write is-- these are dodgers games and we can go, and i like baseball. i love a good, long, pastoral afternoon, or night at the park. but the best thing to write is when your team strikes out a guy swinging, right, and in baseball parlance, you write on the score card, k! "k" means strike out, so it's a big fat capital k! dash, parenthesis, sit down! period, period, period. backspace, backspace, backspace. shift-8, apostrophe, apostrophe, apostrophe-- because that makes an explanation mark, you see-- close parentheses.
so i think whoever it is walking back-- "yeah, i struck out, i should have caught that, i didn't get it, i struck out." i think they hear me typing that up in my little box, sit down! clack clack clack clack! backspace, backspace, backspace! clack clack clack clack! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this might be the angriest i've ever seen tom hanks. ( laughter ) >> well, you know. >> stephen: nicely done. >> well, keeps you in the game. >> stephen: absolutely. the anger's good for the blood. >> well, you know, after six and a half beers, by the third inning, you get worked up over those kinds of things. >> stephen: yeah. now, you recently turned 60 years old. >> yeah, 60 years old. thank you. >> stephen: yeah, did that-- ( cheers and applause ) was that-- ( cheers and applause ) >> it wasn't hard. >> stephen: really? >> here's how you-- >> stephen: does 60-- did 60 not hit you hard? >> well, no, because it's not a real accomplishment. you become 60 by, essentially, wait. ( laughter ) >> stephen: inertia.
when i turned 36. >> stephen: why? >> well, because 36 is the year-- for my body shape, anyway-- that your metabolism slows down and suddenly you have been living essentially on taco bell, pepsis and, you know, ding dongs and at 36, it starts to show. ( laughter ) >> stephen: not at all. >> oh, no, the butt goes and stuff starts coming out of your skin; 36 was tough. but 60 is nothing. i can-- 60 is nothing. here, i'm going to show you how strong i am at 60. >> stephen: do you want to punch me? >> i'm going to punch you. >> stephen: punch me in the arm. >> all right, this is a 60-year- old man's punch. >> stephen: okay, do i get to punch you back or is this a one- sided thing? >> oh, my-- oh. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're the guest! >> how old are you? >> stephen: i'm 52, but a frail 52. go ahead, do what you need to. do what you need to. >> here you go. ready? all right. i'm going to lean into this. >> stephen: lean into it, baby. >> i'm going to rear back-- really? all right, ready? ( laughter ) did i kick you as well? >> stephye
are you okay? are you okay? >> look what i did to myself. look what i did. i threw my shoulder out. >> stephen: oh, my god. we shot that in imax. >> you all right? you want to give me one? go ahead. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, you know where that came from? downtown. ( laughter ) what? what is this? >> giving you a yellow card... >> stephen: what is this? >> this is a new things that celebrities on talk shows are doing when we don't like where the panel is going. i'm giving you a yellow card. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i'll tell you what, i hope i don't get the red. we'll be right back with more tom hanks. stick around. >> stephen: great! okay, confession time: we won't be right back with more tom hanks. we'll be right back with confessions. these as well. luke!? amy. it's been years!
fe and my kids. oh you guys are so good-looking... and impeccably dressed. thanks. it's all old navy. you sending off some last minute gifts? i miss us. you know? you should go to old navy. the entire store is up to 75% off right now. amazing idea. okay, i think i'll go there. get out of here. i don't know what that is. i'm just scratching my eyes.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, if you watch the show regularly, you know i'm a practicing catholic. unfortunately, i'm so busy, i don't make it to church as often as i used to, and the thing i miss most about it is confession. unburdening myself of my sins takes a huge weight off-- like the pope must feel when he takes off that huge hat. ( laughter ) so, i was wondering if i could make a few confessions to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) standard disclaimer: t
not actually be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( organ music ) forgive me, audience. you know those little silica packets that have a warning on them saying "do not eat?" that's because of me. audience, audience, i tell people i want to be cremated, but really i hope someone puts my skin on a robot. ( laughter ) sometimes i tell people i'm too busy to read, but really i just don't want to spoil any book in case it becomes an hbo show. ( laughter ) not only do i not know how to fold a fitted sheet, i don't
( laughter ) ( applause ) doesn't seem right. when somebody says, "knock- knock," i pretend i'm not home. ( laughter ) audience, audience, when i hear some nerd go on and on about "star wars", i want to slap him with my original "star wars" episode 7 replica kylo ren light saber in its original packaging. ( laughter ) ( applause ) sometimes on the street, i check my pulse and look at my watch so people think i've been exercising. ( laughter ) yeah, i'm in the zone.
i read erotic fan fiction, but i write erotic fan non-fiction. ( laughter ) you know, audience, i'm sad that obama is leaving office, but i'm really looking forward to him getting fat. ( laughter ) i don't like shag carpeting because it looks like someone killed and skinned a muppet. ( laughter ) i've only been rock-climbing once. and boy, was dwayne johnson mad. ( laughter and applause ) audience, i tell everyone i'm a hufflepuff, but i'm actually more of a chandler because i took the wrong quiz. ( laughter )
i love sunrises because, by then, i've usually finished burying the body. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience? >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. ♪ ♪ okay everybody... that's a wrap! wrap?! i forgot to wrap my presents! i forgot to get presents! what? no, no, no! what do we do? don't worry guys! hey siri, is target the place to get last minute deals? siri: bullseye! yeah! radical! woohoo! let's go! race ya! hey, bullseye... i didn't forget. [ bark ] come on, wake up!!! come on, why ya sleepin'? come on! what time is it? it's go time. come on. let's go, let's go, let's go. woooo hoooo!! yeah!!
d an hour ago. i'll make the cocoa. get a great offer on the car of your grown-up dreams at the mercedes-benz winter event. it's the look on their faces that make it all worthwhile. thank you santa!!! now lease the 2017 c300 for $389 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
you wantecomfort and protection that's why pampers swaddlers is the #1 choice of hospitals to wrap your baby in blanket-like softness so all they feel is love pampers swaddlers ( ♪ ) yep, got tno, no, no,ll she wantebe right home. ♪ (squirrel screeching, birds chirping) (squirrel chittering) hey! hey!
there's nothing more profound ♪ than the certainty than the certainty ♪ that all of this will end that all of this will end ♪ so open your arms to me open your arms to me ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one thing we remember ♪ and this will be the reason to have been here ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters at all ♪ so while the mud reclaims our footprints ♪ and while our bones keep looking back
♪ the overgrowth is swallowing the path ♪ there for the grace of god go we ♪ but for the grace of god go we but there for the grace of time ♪ and chance and entropy's cruel hands ♪op so en your arms to me open your arms to me ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one thing we remember ♪ and this will be the reason to have been here ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters at all ♪ so won't you stay here with me and we'll build until we've ♪ blistered our hands so won't you stay here with me ♪ we'll build us some temples we'll build us some castles ♪ we'll build us some monuments and burn them all right down
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one thing we remember ♪ and this will be the reason to have been here ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters at all ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one thing we remember ♪ and this will be the reason to have been here ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters at all ♪ ♪ ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters ♪ and this will be the one moment that matters at all
>> stephen: well, that's it for tonight's show. did you figure out what common thread unites god, zoltar, tom hanks, and ok go? that's right, they're all supernatural beings. tom hanks can start fires with his mind! so what's your christmas wish? if it's bruce springsteen, david duchovny, bryan cranston and fergie, then please tune in tomorrow. i might have a surprise for you. good night! ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight ♪ don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen all the way from moscow, georgia, give it up for your